6 hours ago
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Hillary Divorces Bill, Declares Love for Whoopi Goldberg!
While supposed statesmen like John McCain and Lindsay Graham claim Baghdad is safe, American soldiers and correspondents in the field laugh at them. One veteran reporter said that everyone knows an American alone wouldn’t last twenty minutes anywhere in Baghdad—if not killed, then kidnapped for politics or money. Millions are homeless and hundreds of thousands dying in Africa in wars invisible here, while Americans obsesses over the final resting place of a model. The fate of civilization and the health of the planet are in grave jeopardy, according to a scientific consensus nearly as strong as that suggesting there are laws of gravity, but in the leading nation of the world deniers rule and no action is taken, as every moment brings future generations closer to a cursed and inevitable fate.
Hah hah—didn’t mean it! April Fool!
Hah hah—didn’t mean that! It’s true! So who’s the April Fool now?
April Fool’s Day has roots in many cultures that reach as far back as history goes, and probably farther. Part of its complex pedigree is a fairly direct relationship to the Bill of Rights.
The historical roots of the day include ancient festivals of spring which often had some component of comedy, trickery and release from ordinary rules, which in the western world at least usually included orgies of gluttony, drunkenness and sexual licentiousness. The probable direct ancestor of April Fool's Day is more specific—when France adopted the Gregorian calendar in the sixteenth century, New Year's moved from April to January 1. But old habits are hard to break, especially those beginning in 45 B.C., which was when Julius Caesar set up the old Julian calendar. Some gullible Parisians were tricked by clever neighbors into celebrating New Year's on what was now the wrong day.
Out of this was born the classic cry, April Fish! Which is something that did not cross the Atlantic when the calendar was later changed in America. No one is quite sure what the fish thing is about. Still, the first April Fool's Day jest was probably, "Happy New Year!"
But the more important aspect of this history relates to the tradition of the licensed fool. America never had court jesters, but for all the time this continent was being explored and populated as well as centuries before, most European countries did. From imperial Rome through the medieval period and the Renaissance, official fools were not only a popular and well known presence in royal courts, but for part of that time were also employed by cities, clergy and wealthy families.
Their duties ranged from song and dance to pratfalls and acrobatics, ribaldry and general foolishness. At times no fashionable dinner party was complete without a fool hired to insult the guests. But the key element of the "allowed fool" was his (and occasionally, her) freedom to do and especially to say anything to anyone.
The official fool also has roots in an aspect of the aforementioned festivals, which featured a Lord of Misrule— a commoner who took on the trappings of the king or bishop or town mayor for a day. As far back as the tenth century, these became elaborate performances, mixing entertainment with social comment, and topical plays or burlesque sermons that satirized the real rulers of state and church, who had to at least pretend to enjoy it. These events became hugely popular, but nobody was fool enough to criticize the powerful if there were going to be reprisals. So the tradition included immunity for the fool.
When kings hired permanent court jesters, political satire as well as pointed personal remarks were part of their repertoire, and the tradition of immunity came with them. Archibald Armstrong, one of England's last and most political jesters replied, "No one has ever heard of a fool being hanged for talking, but many dukes have been beheaded for their insolence." So it happened that the only people in Europe with the absolute right of free speech were kings and queens, and fools.
This fact was not lost on others who were agitating for that kind of freedom for all. The original document of the Magna Carta, England's first great challenge to absolute royal power in 1215, was decorated with the figure of a court jester. From the late 15th century until well into the 17th, "societies of fools" flourished in France, composed of young men who criticized the government and agitated for freedom while wearing the traditional court jester motley.
America never had court jesters, though some of its first expressions of freedom and identity were in the foolery tradition, from the burlesque of the Boston Tea Party (a bunch of Anglos badly costumed as Indians who struck a blow for political independence by dumping tea into cold water) to some early symbols such as Yankee Doodle and Uncle Sam. "Yankee" was a British ethnic slur which New Englanders turned into a badge of honor, and Yankee Doodle Dandy was a clown figure (what else can you say about a guy who sticks a feather in his cap and calls it macaroni?) made immortal in the song sung at key moments in the American Revolution, including at the British surrender. A similar figure, a Yankee "wise fool" stock character popular in early American stage comedies, was a source for Uncle Sam.
Americans also pride themselves on being straightforward, so there's also a tradition of mistrusting the tricky. But today our Zeitgeist depends so heavily on some forms of deceit--spin, disinformation, oversimplifying and the straight-faced lie--that selectively moralizing about other forms rings hollow. Historians are dishonored for missing quotation marks, but not if the history they write is dishonest bunk. Injustice wears clothes of obscurant nomenclature, and success by any means necessary is our guiding morality. Mendacity is a trick of power.
The heart of the fool's relation to free speech is speaking truth to power. For awhile we may have thought that serious journalism was going to speak truth to power, but when the most powerful owns the most presses, and the line between editorial and advertising becomes more and more imaginary, it's looking like a piquant hope.
The rich and powerful can easily ridicule the countrified (the original meaning of "clown") and unsophisticated, but the figure of the fool deflects the ridicule back upon the pretentious and corrupt. Freedom to criticize the powerful is at the heart of both the fool tradition and free speech.
The pretensions of power are automatic, perhaps the inevitable product of consciousness equipped with opposable thumbs. Our particular social systems depend on some forms of deceit while moralizing about others. Historians are dishonored for missing quotation marks, but not if the history they write is dishonest bunk. Injustice wears clothes of obscurant nomenclature, while paradox or irony shade into hypocrisy as we deny freedoms in the name of protecting freedom.
Today April Fool's Day is just about our only nod to this tradition. You can play tricks on people any day of the year, but the idea is that on this day, you are allowed to. This year it falls on a Sunday, so the usual office trickery is shall we say a bit trickier this year. Yet the Internet more than makes up for this as a celebration of intentional foolery that unintentionally looks like every other day on the Internet.
Since laughter seems to override anger, wit is often its own protection, at least temporarily. The cosmos itself seems designed with persistent uncertainties, which is perhaps why many religious and cultural traditions make the trickster a major myth.
Historically and perhaps in practice, the freedom of the fool makes way for freedom of speech in all its aspects. Humor often seems to make the truth clearer and perhaps easier to acknowledge. We have to be tricked into seeing what we would rather not see. We can have tricksters without truth, and in our entertainment-dominated society we mostly do. But rarely can we fallible humans have truth without tricksters.
While supposed statesmen like John McCain and Lindsay Graham claim Baghdad is safe, American soldiers and correspondents in the field laugh at them. One veteran reporter said that everyone knows an American alone wouldn’t last twenty minutes anywhere in Baghdad—if not killed, then kidnapped for politics or money. Millions are homeless and hundreds of thousands dying in Africa in wars invisible here, while Americans obsesses over the final resting place of a model. The fate of civilization and the health of the planet are in grave jeopardy, according to a scientific consensus nearly as strong as that suggesting there are laws of gravity, but in the leading nation of the world deniers rule and no action is taken, as every moment brings future generations closer to a cursed and inevitable fate.
Hah hah—didn’t mean it! April Fool!
Hah hah—didn’t mean that! It’s true! So who’s the April Fool now?
April Fool’s Day has roots in many cultures that reach as far back as history goes, and probably farther. Part of its complex pedigree is a fairly direct relationship to the Bill of Rights.
The historical roots of the day include ancient festivals of spring which often had some component of comedy, trickery and release from ordinary rules, which in the western world at least usually included orgies of gluttony, drunkenness and sexual licentiousness. The probable direct ancestor of April Fool's Day is more specific—when France adopted the Gregorian calendar in the sixteenth century, New Year's moved from April to January 1. But old habits are hard to break, especially those beginning in 45 B.C., which was when Julius Caesar set up the old Julian calendar. Some gullible Parisians were tricked by clever neighbors into celebrating New Year's on what was now the wrong day.
Out of this was born the classic cry, April Fish! Which is something that did not cross the Atlantic when the calendar was later changed in America. No one is quite sure what the fish thing is about. Still, the first April Fool's Day jest was probably, "Happy New Year!"
But the more important aspect of this history relates to the tradition of the licensed fool. America never had court jesters, but for all the time this continent was being explored and populated as well as centuries before, most European countries did. From imperial Rome through the medieval period and the Renaissance, official fools were not only a popular and well known presence in royal courts, but for part of that time were also employed by cities, clergy and wealthy families.
Their duties ranged from song and dance to pratfalls and acrobatics, ribaldry and general foolishness. At times no fashionable dinner party was complete without a fool hired to insult the guests. But the key element of the "allowed fool" was his (and occasionally, her) freedom to do and especially to say anything to anyone.
The official fool also has roots in an aspect of the aforementioned festivals, which featured a Lord of Misrule— a commoner who took on the trappings of the king or bishop or town mayor for a day. As far back as the tenth century, these became elaborate performances, mixing entertainment with social comment, and topical plays or burlesque sermons that satirized the real rulers of state and church, who had to at least pretend to enjoy it. These events became hugely popular, but nobody was fool enough to criticize the powerful if there were going to be reprisals. So the tradition included immunity for the fool.
When kings hired permanent court jesters, political satire as well as pointed personal remarks were part of their repertoire, and the tradition of immunity came with them. Archibald Armstrong, one of England's last and most political jesters replied, "No one has ever heard of a fool being hanged for talking, but many dukes have been beheaded for their insolence." So it happened that the only people in Europe with the absolute right of free speech were kings and queens, and fools.
This fact was not lost on others who were agitating for that kind of freedom for all. The original document of the Magna Carta, England's first great challenge to absolute royal power in 1215, was decorated with the figure of a court jester. From the late 15th century until well into the 17th, "societies of fools" flourished in France, composed of young men who criticized the government and agitated for freedom while wearing the traditional court jester motley.
America never had court jesters, though some of its first expressions of freedom and identity were in the foolery tradition, from the burlesque of the Boston Tea Party (a bunch of Anglos badly costumed as Indians who struck a blow for political independence by dumping tea into cold water) to some early symbols such as Yankee Doodle and Uncle Sam. "Yankee" was a British ethnic slur which New Englanders turned into a badge of honor, and Yankee Doodle Dandy was a clown figure (what else can you say about a guy who sticks a feather in his cap and calls it macaroni?) made immortal in the song sung at key moments in the American Revolution, including at the British surrender. A similar figure, a Yankee "wise fool" stock character popular in early American stage comedies, was a source for Uncle Sam.
Americans also pride themselves on being straightforward, so there's also a tradition of mistrusting the tricky. But today our Zeitgeist depends so heavily on some forms of deceit--spin, disinformation, oversimplifying and the straight-faced lie--that selectively moralizing about other forms rings hollow. Historians are dishonored for missing quotation marks, but not if the history they write is dishonest bunk. Injustice wears clothes of obscurant nomenclature, and success by any means necessary is our guiding morality. Mendacity is a trick of power.
The heart of the fool's relation to free speech is speaking truth to power. For awhile we may have thought that serious journalism was going to speak truth to power, but when the most powerful owns the most presses, and the line between editorial and advertising becomes more and more imaginary, it's looking like a piquant hope.
The rich and powerful can easily ridicule the countrified (the original meaning of "clown") and unsophisticated, but the figure of the fool deflects the ridicule back upon the pretentious and corrupt. Freedom to criticize the powerful is at the heart of both the fool tradition and free speech.
The pretensions of power are automatic, perhaps the inevitable product of consciousness equipped with opposable thumbs. Our particular social systems depend on some forms of deceit while moralizing about others. Historians are dishonored for missing quotation marks, but not if the history they write is dishonest bunk. Injustice wears clothes of obscurant nomenclature, while paradox or irony shade into hypocrisy as we deny freedoms in the name of protecting freedom.
Today April Fool's Day is just about our only nod to this tradition. You can play tricks on people any day of the year, but the idea is that on this day, you are allowed to. This year it falls on a Sunday, so the usual office trickery is shall we say a bit trickier this year. Yet the Internet more than makes up for this as a celebration of intentional foolery that unintentionally looks like every other day on the Internet.
Since laughter seems to override anger, wit is often its own protection, at least temporarily. The cosmos itself seems designed with persistent uncertainties, which is perhaps why many religious and cultural traditions make the trickster a major myth.
Historically and perhaps in practice, the freedom of the fool makes way for freedom of speech in all its aspects. Humor often seems to make the truth clearer and perhaps easier to acknowledge. We have to be tricked into seeing what we would rather not see. We can have tricksters without truth, and in our entertainment-dominated society we mostly do. But rarely can we fallible humans have truth without tricksters.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Bush's Address on Iraq--A Sneak Preview
My fellah Amuricans. I've been listening to a lot of people with ideas about what to do about Iraq. Lately I've been spending quality time talking to the portraits of LBJ and Nixon downstairs. So now I'm ready to announce my New World Order---I mean, New Way Forward.
I'm going to escalate--I mean surge--by sending 20,000 more soldiers to Iraq to take care of business and bring us to victory, so I can wear that flight suit again and land on the aircraft carrier out in the Gulf just before we start bombing Iran and the weapons of mass destruction they will be building in a decade or two.
Now everybody wants to know where am I going to get 20,000 more troops? Well, we had an election in November, and a lot of good Republicans lost their jobs. So I'm combining my surge with a jobs program, and I figure we can find 10,000 or so unemployed Republicans to send over there. Of course they'll all be officers, which right away ups the quality of our forces. The other ten thou I figure we can get from high school juniors--we'll give them an Ipod as a signing bonus, plus an Xbox or something for every year they survive--I mean, serve.
I look forward to working with Congress to get this done--the Democrats ought to like it, heh heh, heh heh. But it doesn't really matter cause I can do whatever the hell I want. It says right here in my signing statement to the bill making January 9 National Oil Your Squeaky Doorhinges Awareness Day. I like that part about the oil. May God bless the United States of America and the Republic for which it used to stand.
My fellah Amuricans. I've been listening to a lot of people with ideas about what to do about Iraq. Lately I've been spending quality time talking to the portraits of LBJ and Nixon downstairs. So now I'm ready to announce my New World Order---I mean, New Way Forward.
I'm going to escalate--I mean surge--by sending 20,000 more soldiers to Iraq to take care of business and bring us to victory, so I can wear that flight suit again and land on the aircraft carrier out in the Gulf just before we start bombing Iran and the weapons of mass destruction they will be building in a decade or two.
Now everybody wants to know where am I going to get 20,000 more troops? Well, we had an election in November, and a lot of good Republicans lost their jobs. So I'm combining my surge with a jobs program, and I figure we can find 10,000 or so unemployed Republicans to send over there. Of course they'll all be officers, which right away ups the quality of our forces. The other ten thou I figure we can get from high school juniors--we'll give them an Ipod as a signing bonus, plus an Xbox or something for every year they survive--I mean, serve.
I look forward to working with Congress to get this done--the Democrats ought to like it, heh heh, heh heh. But it doesn't really matter cause I can do whatever the hell I want. It says right here in my signing statement to the bill making January 9 National Oil Your Squeaky Doorhinges Awareness Day. I like that part about the oil. May God bless the United States of America and the Republic for which it used to stand.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The Truth At Last
In 2005 it was reported that Smirk (otherwise known as GW Bush) let it be known that in invading Iraq he was obeying the voice of God.
But now the true source of that voice has been revealed, and as usual, it's the Onion that breaks the story.
In 2005 it was reported that Smirk (otherwise known as GW Bush) let it be known that in invading Iraq he was obeying the voice of God.
But now the true source of that voice has been revealed, and as usual, it's the Onion that breaks the story.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Welcome to the One False Church
Welcome to the One False Church. Many if not implicitly all those other churches and religions claim to be the one, the only truth. The Catholics: the One True Church© from way back. The various Evangelical/Fundamentalist Churches, sects and subsects (nothing succeeds like subsects) all claim sole proprietorship of the truth.
So how do you know, how do you really know? You’re not choosing a toothpaste here, this is your soul. So why not choose certainty? You may never know which is the true church, but you can be completely confident that this is the False Church.
Everything about it is guaranteed false. Our version of the Bible (soon to be Revealed right here) is completely bogus. Our cosmological explanation of life, the universe and everything: all false. Our rules and regs, our Dogma and Patrimony Show, all 100% bullshit. All our names for the Almighty---totally wrong, you’ll never get Him/Her/Them/Whatever/ on your cell. Actually, even these statements are utterly without merit.
And I, the self-appointed Pope George-Ringo I, otherwise known as the Perky Pontiff, will guide you through the labyrinthine, yet perfectly simplistic, paths to the Eternal Falsehood, with plenty of pompous yet empty meanderings, bold lies, skillful deceptions, key inaccuracies, plus assorted minor deceits, half-truths, phoniness, misdirection, calumny, meaningless balderdash, random mendacity, and holy nonsense along the way, the False and the Twilight Zone.
Oh, and the maps are worthless as well.
Our theological arguments are known throughout the world for being dependably dependent on outrageously bad logic and complex but (rest assured) circular reasoning, selective and out of context quotation, distorted descriptions and insupportable conclusions, and such time-honored rhetorical devices of deceit as ad hominem attacks, poisoning the well, selectively distorted statistics, unsupported assertions masked as facts, deceptive and non-existent sources, serial misquotation, name-calling, and referencing well known statements that were false in the first place. In other words, truly false---and proud of it.
The One False Church: in good times and bad, it’s comforting to know you’re wrong, every damned time.
Stay tuned for more elaborate fabrications. In the meantime, remember: The One False Church: Falsehoods You Can Count On.
Welcome to the One False Church. Many if not implicitly all those other churches and religions claim to be the one, the only truth. The Catholics: the One True Church© from way back. The various Evangelical/Fundamentalist Churches, sects and subsects (nothing succeeds like subsects) all claim sole proprietorship of the truth.
So how do you know, how do you really know? You’re not choosing a toothpaste here, this is your soul. So why not choose certainty? You may never know which is the true church, but you can be completely confident that this is the False Church.
Everything about it is guaranteed false. Our version of the Bible (soon to be Revealed right here) is completely bogus. Our cosmological explanation of life, the universe and everything: all false. Our rules and regs, our Dogma and Patrimony Show, all 100% bullshit. All our names for the Almighty---totally wrong, you’ll never get Him/Her/Them/Whatever/ on your cell. Actually, even these statements are utterly without merit.
And I, the self-appointed Pope George-Ringo I, otherwise known as the Perky Pontiff, will guide you through the labyrinthine, yet perfectly simplistic, paths to the Eternal Falsehood, with plenty of pompous yet empty meanderings, bold lies, skillful deceptions, key inaccuracies, plus assorted minor deceits, half-truths, phoniness, misdirection, calumny, meaningless balderdash, random mendacity, and holy nonsense along the way, the False and the Twilight Zone.
Oh, and the maps are worthless as well.
Our theological arguments are known throughout the world for being dependably dependent on outrageously bad logic and complex but (rest assured) circular reasoning, selective and out of context quotation, distorted descriptions and insupportable conclusions, and such time-honored rhetorical devices of deceit as ad hominem attacks, poisoning the well, selectively distorted statistics, unsupported assertions masked as facts, deceptive and non-existent sources, serial misquotation, name-calling, and referencing well known statements that were false in the first place. In other words, truly false---and proud of it.
The One False Church: in good times and bad, it’s comforting to know you’re wrong, every damned time.
Stay tuned for more elaborate fabrications. In the meantime, remember: The One False Church: Falsehoods You Can Count On.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Comedy is Too Easy
Jon Stewart is a smart and talented guy, but his job is way too easy. Make fun of the news? How do you avoid it?
For comedians every news day is a holiday, but some are more St. Patricks than others. Thursday gave us the 51-49 Senate vote in favor of drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness preserve. Besides the expected gaggle of GOPers, the measure passed thanks to two Democrats: both Senators from that other state of wilderness and beauty and non-continguity: Hawaii. Can you even imagine the outrage of a proposal for off-shore drilling in Hawaii? But it might be worth it, just for those two guys.
It also gave us a provocative new study purporting to figure that all these obese kids aren't going to live so long, and therefore the U.S. life expectancy will decline for the first time since, maybe, Fox News. But the way that some papers slugged this story was as the solution to the Social Security crisis. Because people will die five years earlier, think of all the money Social Security will save. Oh happy day! (For a more balanced view, the link below.)
Jon?
Obesity will cut American life span by 2 to 5 years: report
Jon Stewart is a smart and talented guy, but his job is way too easy. Make fun of the news? How do you avoid it?
For comedians every news day is a holiday, but some are more St. Patricks than others. Thursday gave us the 51-49 Senate vote in favor of drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness preserve. Besides the expected gaggle of GOPers, the measure passed thanks to two Democrats: both Senators from that other state of wilderness and beauty and non-continguity: Hawaii. Can you even imagine the outrage of a proposal for off-shore drilling in Hawaii? But it might be worth it, just for those two guys.
It also gave us a provocative new study purporting to figure that all these obese kids aren't going to live so long, and therefore the U.S. life expectancy will decline for the first time since, maybe, Fox News. But the way that some papers slugged this story was as the solution to the Social Security crisis. Because people will die five years earlier, think of all the money Social Security will save. Oh happy day! (For a more balanced view, the link below.)
Jon?
Obesity will cut American life span by 2 to 5 years: report
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Iraq is a hard place (continued)
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has announced that he must suspend his campaign, now that he has been named as one of the 300 New Englanders and 5,600 American veterans to be sent to Iraq in the ongoing involuntary mobilization.
"It's a management tool," as the Pentagon spokesperson described the practice of hunting down former soldiers with the help of the IRS and forcing them to try to fit into their old uniforms, before being shipped off to Iraq.
Kerry will probably not see combat, as this could prove too embarrassing to the administration. "He'll mostly be unbagging instant potatoes for our Halliburton heroes in the KP," chortled vice-president Dick "Hawk Who Had Other Priorities During Vietnam" Cheney. But of course, all of Iraq is a hard place, the Pentagon pointed out. "Let's see what the 'foreign leaders' over there tell him," chuckled President George "Hawk Who Hid in the National Guard" Bush.
In other news(and we swear this part is true)
the CBS/New York Times poll on whether George Bush is telling the truth about Iraq:
Entire Truth 18%
Hiding Something 59%
Mostly Lying 20%
The numbers are as mind-boggling as the framing of the question.
And for the Nervous about the continuing neck-and-neck race, though this poll showed under 40% trust Kerry to run the country, he scored 20 points higher in the Gallup poll done at about the same time. Still, in this poll, 39% said they still have No Opinion on Kerry yet. In 1992, Bill Clinton got 44% No Opinion.
With such a high number of No Opinion, it stands to reason that many of those who have made up their mind have done so on the basis of Bush negative ads. Kerry has lots of room to go up.
Kerry is in the final weeks of building the substructure of the campaign: raising money (from almost nothing after the primaries, he's now in better financial shape than any challenger in history)and going directly to key constituencies in key states, where his crowds have been very good, and press coverage extensive. Conventional wisdom is that the electorate makes up its mind about the incumbent first, before they move to the challenger after the conventions. The election was Bush's to win in May and June by destroying Kerry's credibility, but he failed to do it. Beginning with July---the announcement of the vice-presidential candidate, then the convention and his acceptance speech--it becomes Kerry's to win. The debates, and events in Iraq and the economy (which we believe will falter again in the coming months)are expected to determine the final outcome---barring wild cards such as a terrorist attack in the U.S, or...Kerry being called up in the involuntary mobilization.
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has announced that he must suspend his campaign, now that he has been named as one of the 300 New Englanders and 5,600 American veterans to be sent to Iraq in the ongoing involuntary mobilization.
"It's a management tool," as the Pentagon spokesperson described the practice of hunting down former soldiers with the help of the IRS and forcing them to try to fit into their old uniforms, before being shipped off to Iraq.
Kerry will probably not see combat, as this could prove too embarrassing to the administration. "He'll mostly be unbagging instant potatoes for our Halliburton heroes in the KP," chortled vice-president Dick "Hawk Who Had Other Priorities During Vietnam" Cheney. But of course, all of Iraq is a hard place, the Pentagon pointed out. "Let's see what the 'foreign leaders' over there tell him," chuckled President George "Hawk Who Hid in the National Guard" Bush.
In other news(and we swear this part is true)
the CBS/New York Times poll on whether George Bush is telling the truth about Iraq:
Entire Truth 18%
Hiding Something 59%
Mostly Lying 20%
The numbers are as mind-boggling as the framing of the question.
And for the Nervous about the continuing neck-and-neck race, though this poll showed under 40% trust Kerry to run the country, he scored 20 points higher in the Gallup poll done at about the same time. Still, in this poll, 39% said they still have No Opinion on Kerry yet. In 1992, Bill Clinton got 44% No Opinion.
With such a high number of No Opinion, it stands to reason that many of those who have made up their mind have done so on the basis of Bush negative ads. Kerry has lots of room to go up.
Kerry is in the final weeks of building the substructure of the campaign: raising money (from almost nothing after the primaries, he's now in better financial shape than any challenger in history)and going directly to key constituencies in key states, where his crowds have been very good, and press coverage extensive. Conventional wisdom is that the electorate makes up its mind about the incumbent first, before they move to the challenger after the conventions. The election was Bush's to win in May and June by destroying Kerry's credibility, but he failed to do it. Beginning with July---the announcement of the vice-presidential candidate, then the convention and his acceptance speech--it becomes Kerry's to win. The debates, and events in Iraq and the economy (which we believe will falter again in the coming months)are expected to determine the final outcome---barring wild cards such as a terrorist attack in the U.S, or...Kerry being called up in the involuntary mobilization.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
No Silver Bullet? Condi Got It All Wrong, Lone Ranger Complains
by Morgan Dash
In an exclusive American Samizat interview, the Lone Ranger (otherwise known as the Masked Rider of the Plains) broke his decades-long silence to complain about the misuse of his most famous symbol by National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice in her testimony before the 9-11 commission.
"'There was no silver bullet' that could have prevented 9-11-she said it several times," Lone said, his deep baritone voice rising in distress. "It makes a great soundbite, but what does it mean? She made it sound like my silver bullets were especially accurate or foolproof kinds of bullets, but that's nonsense. I never shot a silver bullet in my life. That wasn't the point."
In fact, the Ranger explained, it was quite the opposite. "I made my silver bullets to remind me that a life, like silver, is too precious to waste. Sometimes I would leave one behind with people I'd helped, so after I rode away, they would be reminded of the same thing. Those silver bullets got to be identified with me, so people knew what I stood for."
What he stood for was tolerance, fairness and a sympathetic respect for the rights of others. "I never killed anyone," he says, "not with a silver bullet or any other kind of bullet. That was true for all the stories in the Lone Ranger television series---and it was a very popular series for a long time." So popular, he points out, that it played on all three of the existing national networks in the 1950s and 1960s-including two of them at the same time. "A lot of children watched it, and I felt a special responsibility because of that," he recalls, "but about half the audience was made up of adults."
The Lone Ranger is still diffident about being called a hero, but he insists that his principles be fairly represented---and his silver bullet symbol is particularly important to him. "That malt liquor was bad enough," he said. " I guess you have to live with that kind of thing. But this was a real violation. It twists what I meant with the silver bullet. It was my statement in very violent times. Of course, the Old West doesn't hold a candle to today, but maybe that's why my message is needed."
After checking the interview tape, we turned back to ask a final question---but the Lone Ranger was gone.
by Morgan Dash
In an exclusive American Samizat interview, the Lone Ranger (otherwise known as the Masked Rider of the Plains) broke his decades-long silence to complain about the misuse of his most famous symbol by National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice in her testimony before the 9-11 commission.
"'There was no silver bullet' that could have prevented 9-11-she said it several times," Lone said, his deep baritone voice rising in distress. "It makes a great soundbite, but what does it mean? She made it sound like my silver bullets were especially accurate or foolproof kinds of bullets, but that's nonsense. I never shot a silver bullet in my life. That wasn't the point."
In fact, the Ranger explained, it was quite the opposite. "I made my silver bullets to remind me that a life, like silver, is too precious to waste. Sometimes I would leave one behind with people I'd helped, so after I rode away, they would be reminded of the same thing. Those silver bullets got to be identified with me, so people knew what I stood for."
What he stood for was tolerance, fairness and a sympathetic respect for the rights of others. "I never killed anyone," he says, "not with a silver bullet or any other kind of bullet. That was true for all the stories in the Lone Ranger television series---and it was a very popular series for a long time." So popular, he points out, that it played on all three of the existing national networks in the 1950s and 1960s-including two of them at the same time. "A lot of children watched it, and I felt a special responsibility because of that," he recalls, "but about half the audience was made up of adults."
The Lone Ranger is still diffident about being called a hero, but he insists that his principles be fairly represented---and his silver bullet symbol is particularly important to him. "That malt liquor was bad enough," he said. " I guess you have to live with that kind of thing. But this was a real violation. It twists what I meant with the silver bullet. It was my statement in very violent times. Of course, the Old West doesn't hold a candle to today, but maybe that's why my message is needed."
After checking the interview tape, we turned back to ask a final question---but the Lone Ranger was gone.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Star Trek Episode 34,495: Where No Nation Has Gone Before
"So Spock, where are we?"
"We are on Earth, Captain. But the more interesting question is, when are we?"
"What? We've traveled through time as well as space?"
"Yes, Captain. If we were in fact caught in a Converse Warp superfragment, that would indeed be the effect."
"Here---this looks like an information device. Yes, it displays images. If you can match these images with the historical data base patched through your tricorder--"
"We can ascertain the exact time period."
"Look there! The date is on the screen. September 7, 2003. Early twenty-first century! It appears to be a presidential address. Yes, look--President Al Gore."
"Fascinating."
"But wasn't Al Gore the losing candidate?"
"Indeed, Captain. He won the popular vote but lost the election through a decision of the Supreme Court. At least, in our timeline."
"You mean?"
"Yes. It seems we were caught in an Obverse Warp Superfragment. Therefore we traveled through space and time and into an entirely different timeline."
"In which Al Gore became President!"
"I believe this button controls the sound, Captain."
"Well turn it up, Spock, turn it up!"
"---the extraordinary events of these past few weeks, the revelations of improprieties, the resignations from the Supreme Court, the unprecedented suit brought before the reconstituted court that led to the reversal of the 2000 decision, the elimination of Florida's electoral votes resulting in my election to the presidency. Yet our nation has endured, and our system worked.
But now, my fellow Americans, to the task at hand. My predecessor launched an attack on the nation of Iraq in the mistaken belief that America was in imminent peril from weapons of mass destruction. This turned out not to be the case. I have therefore ordered a full review of our intelligence apparatus.
Our military power did depose a brutal dictator in a region of the world that is, for better and usually for worse, important to our national interests. The United States cannot send its military might to change every brutal regime in the world, and we will not. But what's done is done, and we start from this point, and move forward.
Together with Secretary of State Clinton, Secretary of Defense Wesley Clark and United Nations Ambassador Mario Cuomo, I have conferred with our NATO allies and members of the UN Security Council. Together we have put forward a plan for the reconstruction of Iraq, the return of self-rule to the Iraqi people and the withdrawal of occupying forces.
The first step will be the withdrawal of half the American and British forces now in Iraq, effective within three months. At the same time, United Nations peacekeepers will more than make up the numbers of withdrawing troops, although their duties will be somewhat different.
Second, a United Nations team will assist in a speedy inventory of the most pressing needs of Iraq, as well as a full inventory of the direct damage to that nation's infrastructure caused by the war. It is important for Americans to know that Iraq is a nation with the expertise, talent and desire to rebuild itself. Iraqi professionals-engineers, managers, scientists, builders, industrialists-will be involved in this inventory. When it is completed, Iraqi professionals will be contacted for estimates of what they need to repair and rebuild their country's bridges, electrical and water systems, and other needed infrastructure. When those estimates are completed, the United States will deposit with the United Nations a sum of money, including long-term loans, sufficient to cover the estimated costs. This reconstruction fund will be a large part of our commitment to Iraq.
Third, the United States will assist the United Nations in reconstituting the basic security and social infrastructure of Iraq-its courts and police, its fire departments, and medical systems, its systems of care for those who most need help and cannot help themselves.
Fourth, the United States will assist the United Nations in developing a process for returning the government of Iraq to its people within two years. We expect this will be a gradual process, but it will have a timetable, and be governed by the general principle of maximum participation by Iraqi citizens at each stage, until Iraq is a self-governing nation.
It is important for the American people to understand from the beginning that we cannot direct or control the political destiny of Iraq. We hope this process can be peaceful, but we cannot guarantee that it will be. There are many factions and many rivalries that the repressive regime of Saddam kept in check by brutal force. We will assist the transitional authority and, if we are asked, the provisional Iraqi government, in maintaining security, but only within that two year time period. We will no longer send our sons and daughters into situations for which they are unprepared, for which they are not trained, and frankly, where they-where we-- do not belong.
As part of our proposal, the United Nations agrees to permit two large military bases in Iraq, one for American forces, one for British forces, during this transitional period. We will pull back most of our remaining troops to our base. We will negotiate for a continuing presence in the region with the provisional government, and if necessary the elected government of Iraq. Britain, by its own choice, will withdraw all its forces from the region by the end of the two-year period.
In view of this plan, and to support certain special needs at home, I am asking Congress to allocate an additional $87 billion. Part of that amount will go to the military, to increase pay and medical and veteran's benefits. Part of it will go to the reconstruction fund for Iraq, part of it to the United Nations effort. A large part of it will be devoted to completely revamping our homeland security. This is where our attention belongs. Our infrastructure remains vulnerable. We must change that. Our cities are without adequate resources to do what needs to be done. We must change that.
As part of our enhanced homeland security, as well as our intelligence review, I will ask Congress to repeal most provisions of the so-called Patriot's Act, which not only abrogate the very rights that define us as Americans, but have given government a set of expensive, misguided and ultimately fruitless tasks. We can't afford this cynical exercise, financially or morally. The days of Big Brother Government are over.
September 11, 2001 showed us that we are vulnerable. Some of that vulnerability goes with the territory, if we are to be a free society. But we can do more to truly protect our infrastructure and our environment from attack. For years we have been slowly starving our public health and public safety systems and resources. We must reverse that process. The public good is best served by public means.
At the same time, there is no reason for Americans to live in fear. We have enemies in the world, but we also have friends. When we give in to unreasoning fear, we do the work of terrorists for them. Each one of us is endangered far more by accident and natural disaster than by terrorists. If we devote most of our efforts to measures that protect us and help us heal from every kind of disaster, we will be safer from the effects of terrorism as well. We can do more to undercut the very reasons that people support terrorism, by understanding them and understanding ourselves. We will still have enemies, and we must defend ourselves against them. But we will earn more friends. To exploit fear is shameful. To protect ourselves from old dangers as well as new dangers is-"
"Logical!"
"Shut up, Spock! And listen!"
"But it would be irresponsible for me as President to propose such a large amount of additional spending without proposing a way to pay for it. This used to be thought of as a Republican principle, although it never really was any more Republican than Democrat. We have a great deal of unfinished business in this country. We have a great many challenges ahead. So we can't spend the government into oblivion. It's just not realistic, nor is it right.
It is also not right to continue to ask the most sacrifice from those among us who are least able to bear it-the sick, the old, the very young, the overworked and underpaid, the most vulnerable in our society, all of whom were hurt terribly by the failure of the federal government to support the states in their efforts to provide the help that the richest nation in the history of the world is fully capable of providing. Nor should we ask more of the middle class, who continue to bear a disproportionate tax burden. I must also note that it is from these families, struggling to maintain their American Dream that most of soldiers have come. These families have made their contribution.
So I will introduce legislation to repeal most of the so-called Bush tax cut as it predominately affects the wealthiest 1%, and the wealthiest 10% of our nation. In addition we will increase taxes on corporations---not to 1970s levels, but closer to a fair share, considering the benefits that corporations have reaped by being able to conduct their business within the social and legal and physical infrastructure that the American people pay for with their hard-earned taxes.
Finally, a portion of that $87 billion will go to the new Apollo Project-a public/private effort to create the new American industrial revolution in new self-sufficient and environmentally sustainable energy technologies. I'll go into much more detail about that project in a few days. But this is a plan to ensure that never again will America spill blood for oil. It is an extremely exciting new start for American industry, to once again lead the world, to boldly go where no nation has gone before."
"Captain!"
"What is it, Spock? Can't you see I'm watching this?"
"But I have just logically deduced how we can reverse the process and return to our own time and place and timeline."
"Very good, Spock. But what's your hurry? Don't you want to see how this turns out?"
"So Spock, where are we?"
"We are on Earth, Captain. But the more interesting question is, when are we?"
"What? We've traveled through time as well as space?"
"Yes, Captain. If we were in fact caught in a Converse Warp superfragment, that would indeed be the effect."
"Here---this looks like an information device. Yes, it displays images. If you can match these images with the historical data base patched through your tricorder--"
"We can ascertain the exact time period."
"Look there! The date is on the screen. September 7, 2003. Early twenty-first century! It appears to be a presidential address. Yes, look--President Al Gore."
"Fascinating."
"But wasn't Al Gore the losing candidate?"
"Indeed, Captain. He won the popular vote but lost the election through a decision of the Supreme Court. At least, in our timeline."
"You mean?"
"Yes. It seems we were caught in an Obverse Warp Superfragment. Therefore we traveled through space and time and into an entirely different timeline."
"In which Al Gore became President!"
"I believe this button controls the sound, Captain."
"Well turn it up, Spock, turn it up!"
"---the extraordinary events of these past few weeks, the revelations of improprieties, the resignations from the Supreme Court, the unprecedented suit brought before the reconstituted court that led to the reversal of the 2000 decision, the elimination of Florida's electoral votes resulting in my election to the presidency. Yet our nation has endured, and our system worked.
But now, my fellow Americans, to the task at hand. My predecessor launched an attack on the nation of Iraq in the mistaken belief that America was in imminent peril from weapons of mass destruction. This turned out not to be the case. I have therefore ordered a full review of our intelligence apparatus.
Our military power did depose a brutal dictator in a region of the world that is, for better and usually for worse, important to our national interests. The United States cannot send its military might to change every brutal regime in the world, and we will not. But what's done is done, and we start from this point, and move forward.
Together with Secretary of State Clinton, Secretary of Defense Wesley Clark and United Nations Ambassador Mario Cuomo, I have conferred with our NATO allies and members of the UN Security Council. Together we have put forward a plan for the reconstruction of Iraq, the return of self-rule to the Iraqi people and the withdrawal of occupying forces.
The first step will be the withdrawal of half the American and British forces now in Iraq, effective within three months. At the same time, United Nations peacekeepers will more than make up the numbers of withdrawing troops, although their duties will be somewhat different.
Second, a United Nations team will assist in a speedy inventory of the most pressing needs of Iraq, as well as a full inventory of the direct damage to that nation's infrastructure caused by the war. It is important for Americans to know that Iraq is a nation with the expertise, talent and desire to rebuild itself. Iraqi professionals-engineers, managers, scientists, builders, industrialists-will be involved in this inventory. When it is completed, Iraqi professionals will be contacted for estimates of what they need to repair and rebuild their country's bridges, electrical and water systems, and other needed infrastructure. When those estimates are completed, the United States will deposit with the United Nations a sum of money, including long-term loans, sufficient to cover the estimated costs. This reconstruction fund will be a large part of our commitment to Iraq.
Third, the United States will assist the United Nations in reconstituting the basic security and social infrastructure of Iraq-its courts and police, its fire departments, and medical systems, its systems of care for those who most need help and cannot help themselves.
Fourth, the United States will assist the United Nations in developing a process for returning the government of Iraq to its people within two years. We expect this will be a gradual process, but it will have a timetable, and be governed by the general principle of maximum participation by Iraqi citizens at each stage, until Iraq is a self-governing nation.
It is important for the American people to understand from the beginning that we cannot direct or control the political destiny of Iraq. We hope this process can be peaceful, but we cannot guarantee that it will be. There are many factions and many rivalries that the repressive regime of Saddam kept in check by brutal force. We will assist the transitional authority and, if we are asked, the provisional Iraqi government, in maintaining security, but only within that two year time period. We will no longer send our sons and daughters into situations for which they are unprepared, for which they are not trained, and frankly, where they-where we-- do not belong.
As part of our proposal, the United Nations agrees to permit two large military bases in Iraq, one for American forces, one for British forces, during this transitional period. We will pull back most of our remaining troops to our base. We will negotiate for a continuing presence in the region with the provisional government, and if necessary the elected government of Iraq. Britain, by its own choice, will withdraw all its forces from the region by the end of the two-year period.
In view of this plan, and to support certain special needs at home, I am asking Congress to allocate an additional $87 billion. Part of that amount will go to the military, to increase pay and medical and veteran's benefits. Part of it will go to the reconstruction fund for Iraq, part of it to the United Nations effort. A large part of it will be devoted to completely revamping our homeland security. This is where our attention belongs. Our infrastructure remains vulnerable. We must change that. Our cities are without adequate resources to do what needs to be done. We must change that.
As part of our enhanced homeland security, as well as our intelligence review, I will ask Congress to repeal most provisions of the so-called Patriot's Act, which not only abrogate the very rights that define us as Americans, but have given government a set of expensive, misguided and ultimately fruitless tasks. We can't afford this cynical exercise, financially or morally. The days of Big Brother Government are over.
September 11, 2001 showed us that we are vulnerable. Some of that vulnerability goes with the territory, if we are to be a free society. But we can do more to truly protect our infrastructure and our environment from attack. For years we have been slowly starving our public health and public safety systems and resources. We must reverse that process. The public good is best served by public means.
At the same time, there is no reason for Americans to live in fear. We have enemies in the world, but we also have friends. When we give in to unreasoning fear, we do the work of terrorists for them. Each one of us is endangered far more by accident and natural disaster than by terrorists. If we devote most of our efforts to measures that protect us and help us heal from every kind of disaster, we will be safer from the effects of terrorism as well. We can do more to undercut the very reasons that people support terrorism, by understanding them and understanding ourselves. We will still have enemies, and we must defend ourselves against them. But we will earn more friends. To exploit fear is shameful. To protect ourselves from old dangers as well as new dangers is-"
"Logical!"
"Shut up, Spock! And listen!"
"But it would be irresponsible for me as President to propose such a large amount of additional spending without proposing a way to pay for it. This used to be thought of as a Republican principle, although it never really was any more Republican than Democrat. We have a great deal of unfinished business in this country. We have a great many challenges ahead. So we can't spend the government into oblivion. It's just not realistic, nor is it right.
It is also not right to continue to ask the most sacrifice from those among us who are least able to bear it-the sick, the old, the very young, the overworked and underpaid, the most vulnerable in our society, all of whom were hurt terribly by the failure of the federal government to support the states in their efforts to provide the help that the richest nation in the history of the world is fully capable of providing. Nor should we ask more of the middle class, who continue to bear a disproportionate tax burden. I must also note that it is from these families, struggling to maintain their American Dream that most of soldiers have come. These families have made their contribution.
So I will introduce legislation to repeal most of the so-called Bush tax cut as it predominately affects the wealthiest 1%, and the wealthiest 10% of our nation. In addition we will increase taxes on corporations---not to 1970s levels, but closer to a fair share, considering the benefits that corporations have reaped by being able to conduct their business within the social and legal and physical infrastructure that the American people pay for with their hard-earned taxes.
Finally, a portion of that $87 billion will go to the new Apollo Project-a public/private effort to create the new American industrial revolution in new self-sufficient and environmentally sustainable energy technologies. I'll go into much more detail about that project in a few days. But this is a plan to ensure that never again will America spill blood for oil. It is an extremely exciting new start for American industry, to once again lead the world, to boldly go where no nation has gone before."
"Captain!"
"What is it, Spock? Can't you see I'm watching this?"
"But I have just logically deduced how we can reverse the process and return to our own time and place and timeline."
"Very good, Spock. But what's your hurry? Don't you want to see how this turns out?"
Friday, September 05, 2003
United Nations Once Again Hot Dog! I mean, Boudin Blanc!
Crisis was averted today as the U.S. announced it has secured support from France for a UN resolution to become a limited partner in the Bush Administration Iraq venture. President George Bush made the announcement after lunch at the White House with the French Ambassador.
“We are happy to be partners in the fight against terrorism with our oldest ally,” President Bush said.
The French Ambassador presented him with a ceremonial check, which was signed, with that dry Gallic humor for which the French are so famous, “the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys.”
Standing beside a giant Perrier bottle, the President munched on what he described as “the best French Fries I’ve ever tasted. They sure make good French fries over there,” he quipped. “We’ll be sending a whole lot of them to our boys in Iraq, along with a selection of fine French cheese.”
He also touted another menu item, which he called a “French hot dog.” Reporters learned later that he was speaking of boudin blancs, a French white sausage. The President was so enthusiastic about them, his press spokesman said, that he’s requested that major league baseball teams begin offering them at all ball parks, beginning with this year’s World Series.
The President also announced changes to the federal school breakfast school program standard menu, which will now include French toast and croissants. In addition, all standardized tests administered to U.S. school children above grade three will require that the student be able to spell “croissant” or the student will not advance.
The President was joined by vice president Cheney, the Secretary of Defense, the Attorney General and the Secretary of State in a toast to the new international agreement. “With Champagne,” The Attorney General noted. “The Real Thing. From France. If it’s not from France, you can’t call it Champagne. That’s the law,” he warned, speculating that non-compliance could very well fall under the provisions of the Patriot Act.
The President and vice-president then had an informal contest to see who could eat a plateful of French cheeses the fastest, while a good natured debate ensued between Secretary Powell and Secretary Rumsfeld over the relative merits of Pinot Noir and Merlot.
They then prepared for an official state dinner at the White House, where twenty French chefs would be preparing a special delicacy for the Bush team, filet de crow.
Crisis was averted today as the U.S. announced it has secured support from France for a UN resolution to become a limited partner in the Bush Administration Iraq venture. President George Bush made the announcement after lunch at the White House with the French Ambassador.
“We are happy to be partners in the fight against terrorism with our oldest ally,” President Bush said.
The French Ambassador presented him with a ceremonial check, which was signed, with that dry Gallic humor for which the French are so famous, “the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys.”
Standing beside a giant Perrier bottle, the President munched on what he described as “the best French Fries I’ve ever tasted. They sure make good French fries over there,” he quipped. “We’ll be sending a whole lot of them to our boys in Iraq, along with a selection of fine French cheese.”
He also touted another menu item, which he called a “French hot dog.” Reporters learned later that he was speaking of boudin blancs, a French white sausage. The President was so enthusiastic about them, his press spokesman said, that he’s requested that major league baseball teams begin offering them at all ball parks, beginning with this year’s World Series.
The President also announced changes to the federal school breakfast school program standard menu, which will now include French toast and croissants. In addition, all standardized tests administered to U.S. school children above grade three will require that the student be able to spell “croissant” or the student will not advance.
The President was joined by vice president Cheney, the Secretary of Defense, the Attorney General and the Secretary of State in a toast to the new international agreement. “With Champagne,” The Attorney General noted. “The Real Thing. From France. If it’s not from France, you can’t call it Champagne. That’s the law,” he warned, speculating that non-compliance could very well fall under the provisions of the Patriot Act.
The President and vice-president then had an informal contest to see who could eat a plateful of French cheeses the fastest, while a good natured debate ensued between Secretary Powell and Secretary Rumsfeld over the relative merits of Pinot Noir and Merlot.
They then prepared for an official state dinner at the White House, where twenty French chefs would be preparing a special delicacy for the Bush team, filet de crow.
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Massage from the President of Freedonia
Freedonia congratulates America on winning the war in Iraq. You're on a roll, all right. An Iraq and roll. I'll have mine with relish and mustard, but no French bread! Freedonia wanted to be part of the coalition of the willing, but where there's a will there's a way, and there was no way we were going to get involved in something like that! But we'd like to do something for your next war effort, like not be the target of it. We'd lend you a musket but we need that for parades. We have a lot of veterans parades, and a lot of veterans of a lot of parades. Unfortunately we can't afford wars but our veterans don't seem to mind. Oh, they complain now and then, how the young veterans don't know what it's like to have it rain on their parades, but they'd really get upset if we gave away their musket. So the best we can do is contribute one of our national songs, adapted for the occasion by one of our national songwriters. It's not really finished but our national songwriters are. We can't afford to support the arts anymore, now that we've poured all our resources into convincing you to go to war on somebody else. And boy can we pour it on. Now we're all poor. Go reign on somebody else's parade!
Sincerely yours
President Rufus T. Firefly
[To the tune of "Lydia, the Tatooed Lady")
Syria oh Syria
let's go get Syria
Syria, we'll tatoo shady
she's another wayward nation
ready for decapitation
Syria oh Syria
the latest hysteria
on Syria the axis will fall
we've got to round up this whole terrorist crew
maybe we'll get to the Bosphorus too
and claim all the oil for the red white and blue
you can get a lot from Syria!
Freedonia congratulates America on winning the war in Iraq. You're on a roll, all right. An Iraq and roll. I'll have mine with relish and mustard, but no French bread! Freedonia wanted to be part of the coalition of the willing, but where there's a will there's a way, and there was no way we were going to get involved in something like that! But we'd like to do something for your next war effort, like not be the target of it. We'd lend you a musket but we need that for parades. We have a lot of veterans parades, and a lot of veterans of a lot of parades. Unfortunately we can't afford wars but our veterans don't seem to mind. Oh, they complain now and then, how the young veterans don't know what it's like to have it rain on their parades, but they'd really get upset if we gave away their musket. So the best we can do is contribute one of our national songs, adapted for the occasion by one of our national songwriters. It's not really finished but our national songwriters are. We can't afford to support the arts anymore, now that we've poured all our resources into convincing you to go to war on somebody else. And boy can we pour it on. Now we're all poor. Go reign on somebody else's parade!
Sincerely yours
President Rufus T. Firefly
[To the tune of "Lydia, the Tatooed Lady")
Syria oh Syria
let's go get Syria
Syria, we'll tatoo shady
she's another wayward nation
ready for decapitation
Syria oh Syria
the latest hysteria
on Syria the axis will fall
we've got to round up this whole terrorist crew
maybe we'll get to the Bosphorus too
and claim all the oil for the red white and blue
you can get a lot from Syria!
Friday, January 24, 2003
Milky Way Week in Review
With the Dash Brothers
PHINEAS
Welcome to Milky Way Week in Review. The name refers to the galactic rather than the gastronomic level of existence.
MORGAN
Maybe to emphasize that the world doesn't begin and end in Washington.
THERON
Well, it might end in Washington.
PHINEAS
Point taken. Let's move on. I'm your host, Phineas Dash, and around the table are distinguished experts on everything, which of course doesn't distinguish them from anybody else---my brothers, Theron, Phineas and Christopher. Gabriel is off consulting with his muse.
CHRISTOPHER
He's asleep.
PHINEAS
That's what I said.
So let's start with a roundup of the good news. Just when we thought the whole country was asleep---
MORGAN
We get maybe half a million protestors in Washington, and another 150,000 or more in San Francisco, plus significant gatherings in a number of other cities in the U.S. and around the world. It turns out that three-quarters of the American people are against attacking Iraq and want to let the inspections option play out.
CHRISTOPHER
Then the French government made a strong statement that they'd veto a UN authorization for an attack in the Security Council. Most of the other members are against it as well. There was a trans-Atlantic huff over the Secretary of Defense referring to the French and Germans as "old Europe," sort of too over the hill to fight, I guess. That wasn't nearly as provocative as the guy the defense department sent to represent them on the PBS News Hour, who said flatly that the French and Germans are irrelevant, that they have no power in the world. Only the Brits count.
And though the British people feel about this impending war about as the American public does, their government is sticking with the Bushies.
THERON
Did you see Tony Blair on C-Span the other day? Appearing at parliament in this weird pale green shirt and patterned tie of the same color? He looked like he was auditioning to play Dr. Who.
PHINEAS
And just when you thought the American press had definitively rolled over, or bent over, we get a firebrand going after the White House.
CHRISTOPHER
Yes, and who should this brash, impudent and insolent purveyor of non-minced words be but eighty-two year old Helen Thomas, who has covered more presidents than anybody else---and she really loathes this one.
Helen had been the definition of the nondescript scribe---a wire service reporter---but she's become a columnist, and she's like a Phoenix rising from the ashes and being let out of her cage. "I censored myself for 50 years when I was a reporter," she said recently. "Now I wake up and ask myself, 'Who do I hate today?'
The neat thing is that with her seniority she still starts the White House press conference questioning. We've got a taste of what that's been like recently, direct from the official transcripts. Who wants to do Helen?
THERON
I'll be Ari Fleischer.
CHRISTOPHER
The White House Press Secretary. Okay, here it is:
MR. FLEISCHER: Good afternoon and happy New Year to everybody. The President began his day with an intelligence briefing, followed by an FBI briefing. Then he had a series of policy briefings. And this afternoon, the President will look forward to a Cabinet meeting where the President will discuss with members of his Cabinet his agenda for the year. The President is going to focus on economic growth, making America a more compassionate country, and providing for the security of our nation abroad and on the homefront.
And with that, I'm more than happy to take your questions. Helen.
Q At the earlier briefing, Ari, you said that the President deplored the taking of innocent lives. Does that apply to all innocent lives in the world? And I have a follow-up.
MR. FLEISCHER: I refer specifically to a horrible terrorist attack on Tel Aviv that killed scores and wounded hundreds. And the President, as he said in his statement yesterday, deplores in the strongest terms the taking of those lives and the wounding of those people, innocents in Israel.
Q My follow-up is, why does he want to drop bombs on innocent Iraqis?
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, the question is how to protect Americans, and our allies and friends --
Q They're not attacking you.
MR. FLEISCHER: -- from a country --
Q Have they laid the glove on you or on the United States, the Iraqis, in 11 years?
MR. FLEISCHER: I guess you have forgotten about the Americans who were killed in the first Gulf War as a result of Saddam Hussein's aggression then.
Q Is this revenge, 11 years of revenge?
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, I think you know very well that the President's position is that he wants to avert war, and that the President has asked the United Nations to go into Iraq to help with the purpose of averting war.
Q Would the President attack innocent Iraqi lives?
MR. FLEISCHER: The President wants to make certain that he can defend our country, defend our interests, defend the region, and make certain that American lives are not lost.
Q And he thinks they are a threat to us?
MR. FLEISCHER: There is no question that the President thinks that Iraq is a threat to the United States.
Q The Iraqi people?
MR. FLEISCHER: The Iraqi people are represented by their government. If there was regime change, the Iraqi --
Q So they will be vulnerable?
MR. FLEISCHER: Actually, the President has made it very clear that he has not dispute with the people of Iraq. That's why the American policy remains a policy of regime change. There is no question the people of Iraq --
Q That's a decision for them to make, isn't it? It's their country.
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, if you think that the people of Iraq are in a position to dictate who their dictator is, I don't think that has been what history has shown.
Q I think many countries don't have -- people don't have the decision -- including us.
PHINEAS
Now that's entertainment! So what's the consequence of all this going to be?
THERON
On the war? Probably none. The troops are there, the weather's right, the moon will be dark, CNN has taken up residence on aircraft carriers, and Bush's poll numbers are starting to tank. So sooner rather than later. The ides of March is still a safe bet.
MORGAN
I agree. What has changed is the prospects for Bush in Congress, and especially the '04 election. Once again, arrogance is going to be the Republican downfall. They're pushing a radical right agenda on every conceivable front, and though they're likely to do a lot of collateral damage, they're also getting the opposition's full attention.
Democratic candidates are already campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire. Nobody is sounding like a Bush clone anymore. The Bush agenda is going to get critiqued from several points of view-the primary debate is probably the healthiest thing about this process.
CHRIS
I heard bits of some of the Iowa speeches. Strong words, strong proposals, clear language for the most part. And ideas. Changes of direction. Kerry invokes the Kennedys---it's interesting how he's challenging his own generation to get involved again. That could be a potent argument---the baby boomers are still a huge generation, and a relatively high proportion of the older half are known voters.
THERON
Was it Kerry or somebody else who proposed a kind of senior Peace Corps? Man, every American I know whose been in another country recently has had a real hard time. They're getting abused. It's more than just tourist inconvenience. There's real prejudice. It's like a lot of old anger is just letting loose, thanks to the Bushies. And I'm not talking about the Middle East. I mean Australia. I mean Switzerland.
MORGAN
I think maybe I'd still volunteer to help the cafes of Paris reclaim their former glory. Or Turino even.
THERON
You'd go that far? What a patriot!
PHINEAS
So-anything else happening in the Milky Way?
THERON
Jerry Springer may run for the U.S. Senate. I wish that was a joke.
CHRIS
What's going on with TV documentaries? Why do they repeat the same point over and over? I thought attention span was a problem. I feel like I'm being bludgeoned.
MORGAN
You're talking about that "Journey of Man" thing on PBS the other night.
CHRIS
The latest example, yes. Lots of long lingering shots of blond, boyishly handsome Dr. Spencer Wells, and every single point repeated at least three times in succession, and frequent recaps of the repetitions. How dumbed down can you get? But the story---if you can ever get to it---is absolutely fascinating: the attempt to trace early human migration from Africa throughout the world by following genetic markers. All the wonder of it, utterly smashed by the mind-numbing prattle, repeated and repeated and repeated. For two endless hours!
THERON
Not enough time for any counter-evidence, I noticed. Or any contrary opinions on the migrations. Seems that guy solved the whole thing all by himself. And his personal cameraperson.
MORGAN
It's the same effect as commercials, isn't it? There are so many ad messages now, a half dozen of them one after the other, that you completely lose the thread of the main program. By the time it comes back on, who cares?
CHRIS
Kiss dramatic tension goodbye.
PHINEAS
Speaking of which, I'll bet you can't wait till next week's edition of the Milky Way Review.
THERON
I can.
PHINEAS
Be kind to each other, will you? And goodbye out there.
With the Dash Brothers
PHINEAS
Welcome to Milky Way Week in Review. The name refers to the galactic rather than the gastronomic level of existence.
MORGAN
Maybe to emphasize that the world doesn't begin and end in Washington.
THERON
Well, it might end in Washington.
PHINEAS
Point taken. Let's move on. I'm your host, Phineas Dash, and around the table are distinguished experts on everything, which of course doesn't distinguish them from anybody else---my brothers, Theron, Phineas and Christopher. Gabriel is off consulting with his muse.
CHRISTOPHER
He's asleep.
PHINEAS
That's what I said.
So let's start with a roundup of the good news. Just when we thought the whole country was asleep---
MORGAN
We get maybe half a million protestors in Washington, and another 150,000 or more in San Francisco, plus significant gatherings in a number of other cities in the U.S. and around the world. It turns out that three-quarters of the American people are against attacking Iraq and want to let the inspections option play out.
CHRISTOPHER
Then the French government made a strong statement that they'd veto a UN authorization for an attack in the Security Council. Most of the other members are against it as well. There was a trans-Atlantic huff over the Secretary of Defense referring to the French and Germans as "old Europe," sort of too over the hill to fight, I guess. That wasn't nearly as provocative as the guy the defense department sent to represent them on the PBS News Hour, who said flatly that the French and Germans are irrelevant, that they have no power in the world. Only the Brits count.
And though the British people feel about this impending war about as the American public does, their government is sticking with the Bushies.
THERON
Did you see Tony Blair on C-Span the other day? Appearing at parliament in this weird pale green shirt and patterned tie of the same color? He looked like he was auditioning to play Dr. Who.
PHINEAS
And just when you thought the American press had definitively rolled over, or bent over, we get a firebrand going after the White House.
CHRISTOPHER
Yes, and who should this brash, impudent and insolent purveyor of non-minced words be but eighty-two year old Helen Thomas, who has covered more presidents than anybody else---and she really loathes this one.
Helen had been the definition of the nondescript scribe---a wire service reporter---but she's become a columnist, and she's like a Phoenix rising from the ashes and being let out of her cage. "I censored myself for 50 years when I was a reporter," she said recently. "Now I wake up and ask myself, 'Who do I hate today?'
The neat thing is that with her seniority she still starts the White House press conference questioning. We've got a taste of what that's been like recently, direct from the official transcripts. Who wants to do Helen?
THERON
I'll be Ari Fleischer.
CHRISTOPHER
The White House Press Secretary. Okay, here it is:
MR. FLEISCHER: Good afternoon and happy New Year to everybody. The President began his day with an intelligence briefing, followed by an FBI briefing. Then he had a series of policy briefings. And this afternoon, the President will look forward to a Cabinet meeting where the President will discuss with members of his Cabinet his agenda for the year. The President is going to focus on economic growth, making America a more compassionate country, and providing for the security of our nation abroad and on the homefront.
And with that, I'm more than happy to take your questions. Helen.
Q At the earlier briefing, Ari, you said that the President deplored the taking of innocent lives. Does that apply to all innocent lives in the world? And I have a follow-up.
MR. FLEISCHER: I refer specifically to a horrible terrorist attack on Tel Aviv that killed scores and wounded hundreds. And the President, as he said in his statement yesterday, deplores in the strongest terms the taking of those lives and the wounding of those people, innocents in Israel.
Q My follow-up is, why does he want to drop bombs on innocent Iraqis?
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, the question is how to protect Americans, and our allies and friends --
Q They're not attacking you.
MR. FLEISCHER: -- from a country --
Q Have they laid the glove on you or on the United States, the Iraqis, in 11 years?
MR. FLEISCHER: I guess you have forgotten about the Americans who were killed in the first Gulf War as a result of Saddam Hussein's aggression then.
Q Is this revenge, 11 years of revenge?
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, I think you know very well that the President's position is that he wants to avert war, and that the President has asked the United Nations to go into Iraq to help with the purpose of averting war.
Q Would the President attack innocent Iraqi lives?
MR. FLEISCHER: The President wants to make certain that he can defend our country, defend our interests, defend the region, and make certain that American lives are not lost.
Q And he thinks they are a threat to us?
MR. FLEISCHER: There is no question that the President thinks that Iraq is a threat to the United States.
Q The Iraqi people?
MR. FLEISCHER: The Iraqi people are represented by their government. If there was regime change, the Iraqi --
Q So they will be vulnerable?
MR. FLEISCHER: Actually, the President has made it very clear that he has not dispute with the people of Iraq. That's why the American policy remains a policy of regime change. There is no question the people of Iraq --
Q That's a decision for them to make, isn't it? It's their country.
MR. FLEISCHER: Helen, if you think that the people of Iraq are in a position to dictate who their dictator is, I don't think that has been what history has shown.
Q I think many countries don't have -- people don't have the decision -- including us.
PHINEAS
Now that's entertainment! So what's the consequence of all this going to be?
THERON
On the war? Probably none. The troops are there, the weather's right, the moon will be dark, CNN has taken up residence on aircraft carriers, and Bush's poll numbers are starting to tank. So sooner rather than later. The ides of March is still a safe bet.
MORGAN
I agree. What has changed is the prospects for Bush in Congress, and especially the '04 election. Once again, arrogance is going to be the Republican downfall. They're pushing a radical right agenda on every conceivable front, and though they're likely to do a lot of collateral damage, they're also getting the opposition's full attention.
Democratic candidates are already campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire. Nobody is sounding like a Bush clone anymore. The Bush agenda is going to get critiqued from several points of view-the primary debate is probably the healthiest thing about this process.
CHRIS
I heard bits of some of the Iowa speeches. Strong words, strong proposals, clear language for the most part. And ideas. Changes of direction. Kerry invokes the Kennedys---it's interesting how he's challenging his own generation to get involved again. That could be a potent argument---the baby boomers are still a huge generation, and a relatively high proportion of the older half are known voters.
THERON
Was it Kerry or somebody else who proposed a kind of senior Peace Corps? Man, every American I know whose been in another country recently has had a real hard time. They're getting abused. It's more than just tourist inconvenience. There's real prejudice. It's like a lot of old anger is just letting loose, thanks to the Bushies. And I'm not talking about the Middle East. I mean Australia. I mean Switzerland.
MORGAN
I think maybe I'd still volunteer to help the cafes of Paris reclaim their former glory. Or Turino even.
THERON
You'd go that far? What a patriot!
PHINEAS
So-anything else happening in the Milky Way?
THERON
Jerry Springer may run for the U.S. Senate. I wish that was a joke.
CHRIS
What's going on with TV documentaries? Why do they repeat the same point over and over? I thought attention span was a problem. I feel like I'm being bludgeoned.
MORGAN
You're talking about that "Journey of Man" thing on PBS the other night.
CHRIS
The latest example, yes. Lots of long lingering shots of blond, boyishly handsome Dr. Spencer Wells, and every single point repeated at least three times in succession, and frequent recaps of the repetitions. How dumbed down can you get? But the story---if you can ever get to it---is absolutely fascinating: the attempt to trace early human migration from Africa throughout the world by following genetic markers. All the wonder of it, utterly smashed by the mind-numbing prattle, repeated and repeated and repeated. For two endless hours!
THERON
Not enough time for any counter-evidence, I noticed. Or any contrary opinions on the migrations. Seems that guy solved the whole thing all by himself. And his personal cameraperson.
MORGAN
It's the same effect as commercials, isn't it? There are so many ad messages now, a half dozen of them one after the other, that you completely lose the thread of the main program. By the time it comes back on, who cares?
CHRIS
Kiss dramatic tension goodbye.
PHINEAS
Speaking of which, I'll bet you can't wait till next week's edition of the Milky Way Review.
THERON
I can.
PHINEAS
Be kind to each other, will you? And goodbye out there.
Friday, September 27, 2002
On the Bookshelf: Self Beyond Help
by Theron Dash
1. Chicken Shit For the Soul
A compendium of real easy and very minor changes in attitude and behavior-or maybe just in home decoration-that won't cause you any pain or effort, or actually change much. You'll feel better, but not for long. Then you'll need to buy another one of these books, such as...
2. Simplistic Abundance
Color-coordinated volumes of homilies. Collect them all! (Note: if you can find that rare Vol. 12 in fuscia, it's worth clobbering somebody at the yard sale to get it!)
3. I'm OK, You're Poor by Jack Welsh.
The ex-CEO of GE explains why people who don't have golden parachutes as big as the Ritz and acronyms associated with their names are pathetic losers.
4. Winning Through Interrogation
Report on the Bush administration approach to intelligence gathering, which is to save needless effort and cut costs by relying on putting people in prison and getting them fired so the FBI and CIA can spend time questioning people instead of wasting their time gathering and evaluating data, which they've shown they are not too good at anyway. Why go out looking for information when you can force the information to come to you? Includes evaluation of torture services offered by third party countries.
5. Be Here Whenever
The Whatever Generation's guide to enlightenment, or not.
6. Get With the Pogrom
An unbiased guide to persecuting your favorite designated enemy group, foreign or domestic. Includes the latest Internet techniques, though the revival of old-fashioned war on the Devil is given its due, too.
by Theron Dash
1. Chicken Shit For the Soul
A compendium of real easy and very minor changes in attitude and behavior-or maybe just in home decoration-that won't cause you any pain or effort, or actually change much. You'll feel better, but not for long. Then you'll need to buy another one of these books, such as...
2. Simplistic Abundance
Color-coordinated volumes of homilies. Collect them all! (Note: if you can find that rare Vol. 12 in fuscia, it's worth clobbering somebody at the yard sale to get it!)
3. I'm OK, You're Poor by Jack Welsh.
The ex-CEO of GE explains why people who don't have golden parachutes as big as the Ritz and acronyms associated with their names are pathetic losers.
4. Winning Through Interrogation
Report on the Bush administration approach to intelligence gathering, which is to save needless effort and cut costs by relying on putting people in prison and getting them fired so the FBI and CIA can spend time questioning people instead of wasting their time gathering and evaluating data, which they've shown they are not too good at anyway. Why go out looking for information when you can force the information to come to you? Includes evaluation of torture services offered by third party countries.
5. Be Here Whenever
The Whatever Generation's guide to enlightenment, or not.
6. Get With the Pogrom
An unbiased guide to persecuting your favorite designated enemy group, foreign or domestic. Includes the latest Internet techniques, though the revival of old-fashioned war on the Devil is given its due, too.
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