Global Week in Review 1/2/04

PHINEAS
Sappy blue ear!

CHRISTOPHER
What's this 'let old acquaintance be forgot' stuff? I never understood that. Forget your friends, it's a new year? Who wrote that song? Lobbyists?

THERON
It's the Alzheimer's Anonymous fight song.

PHINEAS
How quickly we degenerate.

MORGAN
It must be time to talk politics.

PHINEAS
Conventional wisdom is, it's going to be Bush vs. Dean. What does this tell us?

MORGAN
After Bush vs. Gore? That the major qualification to run for President is that you have four letters in your last name?

PHINEAS
Conventional wisdom also is, Dean loses.

CHRISTOPHER
O Canada!

MORGAN
I'll take Italy. At least they get mad about their corruption.

THERON
The GOPers would like to make Dean into a McGovern, and since they've got the media in their pockets, maybe they will. But it depends on whether Dean has a coherent image and message from the convention on. And picks a good v.p. Right now I'd say a Dean-Gephardt ticket could really shake things up. If they fight hard. Pull no punches. Craft a message, stick it relentlessly, and take no crap.

CHRISTOPHER
That would be fun.

PHINEAS
But if not Dean, who?

MORGAN
What did we say last time, anybody but Lieberman? I'll refine my position: if Bush were running against a toad, I'd vote for the toad. If Lieberman were running against a toad, I'd vote for the toad. But if Bush is running against Lieberman, I'll vote for Lieberman.

PHINEAS
Any other v.p. ideas for Dean?

THERON
Clark and Edwards have said they won't do it. Kerry is also New England. Graham of is a supposedly politically astute choice because he's from Florida, but that stuff doesn't work anymore, does it?

PHINEAS
Gore couldn't carry Tennessee and he was the top of the ticket.

THERON
Right. Graham's a good enough guy, but he looks boring.

MORGAN
On the other hand he's got heart problems, and that seems to be a new qualification for vice president.

PHINEAS
Gephardt can mobilize the industrial Midwest, Pennsylvania. Maybe some farm states.

THERON
The way to win Florida is for a black organization to go down there right now and work on registering people. Stay the course, be at the polls on election day. Make sure the votes count this time.

PHINEAS
Any other predictions for 04?

MORGAN
It will be discovered that G.W. Bush is the bastard grandchild of Mussolini. He has genetically confused Iraq with Ethiopia.

GABRIEL
Morgan's been writing too much science fiction.

CHRISTOPER
Speaking of which, I have some predictions for the expanded DVD version of the last Lord of the Rings movie. Contrary to conventional wisdom, there will be no new battle scenes---just another three hours of endings. Twelve additional endings in all. Forensic evidence on cause of death of the Darth Vader guy, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame monsters.

MORGAN
And the Klingons in the ships?

CHRISTOPHER
Right. Then the signing of the treaties among the victors. The lawyers alone supply six of the new endings. Then there's Frodo's new life in San Francisco.

MORGAN
Which leads to a new series, Fellowship of the Mings, in which Frodo, Flash Gordon and Luke Skywalker all come out, and do a cool makeover of the Emperor Ming's palace.

PHINEAS
And this is the kind of year we can expect?

THERON
If we're lucky.